Thursday, June 3, 2010

On the road again

Dear Miikka,

Today I drove to Calgary.  I traveled on the same road that you might take if you were driving down to see me, but in the opposite direction.  On the way back home I am going to see the "Head Smashed in Buffalo Jump." Did you know that Buffalo are called Tatanka by Kevin Costner and the Native Americans? 

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Inner thigh strength

Dear Kiprusoff-

Why is Roberto Luongo such a douchebag?  Interesting fact; this is what you get when you Google "Roberto Luongo" and "Douchebag" together in the same search:

it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

Dear Kiprusoff-

It took me a long time to write you this letter.  The season was less than stellar and, emotionally, I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that you and the Flames are not in the playoffs.  This isn't a "Dear John" letter, so don't be sad.  I am still a blazing Flamer.  I just can't quit you, but maybe your coach and general manager can?

Friday, April 9, 2010

Hockey and Anthropology

Dear Kiprusoff,

Sometimes when you lift your helmet up it reminds of cultures that partake in cranial binding.  It probably doesn't help that you decorate your helmet with skulls. 

Family Tree

Dear Kiprusoff,

The other day I watched Jussi Jokinen play against Montreal.  I gotta say after getting a good look at him, it only furthers my assumption that Olli is my illegitimate brother.  I'm not judging, though.  Technically I was born illegitimate as well and that was before it was fashionable. It's all in the eyes and maybe the mustache.  Eyebrows, or lack there of, must be on the mother's side.  I guess that makes my dad the milkman.

Drop Zone

Dear Kiprusoff,

Tonight I am watching the movie "Drop Zone" with Weslie Snipes.  It was made before Gary Busey developed, what appears to be, a very serious case of strabismus (I don't know how the man can see).  I think it may be the best ensemble cast ever.  It even has the guy from "Parker Lewis Can't Lose."  Unfortunately, Parker's parachute doesn't open and, thus, a paradox is born.

I think is would be awesome is Weslie Snipes played the character Blade in all of his movies, past and present.  Imagine how great it would have been if he played Blade in  "To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar,"  "White Men Can't Jump" or "Jungle Fever."

I think Blade would make an awesome Hockey player.  He has focus and priorities.  He also works for the greater good and not a paycheck (Blade, not Weslie Snipes).  Furthermore, he can articulate the  phrase Mother F$#@er so clearly that network TV would have to mute and blur out his mouth during the entirety of the game.  He would make Brian McGrattan seem tame in comparison.

I miss McGrattan.  I wish they would let him play more.  I bet McGrattan gives really nice hugs.  He seems like he might be a spooner too.  In my experience, tall men like to be little spoon.  I wonder if he secretly writes sensitive poetry?  Everyone needs an outlet, I guess.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Feminine hygiene

Dear Kiprusoff,

Sometimes when people have a bad day/game/season they take it out on the people around them.  That's why team sports are so difficult.  There's too much negativity being needlessly disbursed to all members of the collective whole.  Now, I am the first to admit that I am not cut out to be a team player.  You see, when I am in a dour mood I like to focus my hostility on a single object or entity.  For instance, I have, of late, been focusing on the epic douchebag that is Dion Phaneuf. 

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Cookies for comfort

Dear Kiprusoff,

When I started working with your namesake, Kipper, my older horse got jealous and acted out.  He especially didn't like it when I would take Kipper out to exercise first.  I remedied this by giving him handfuls of cookies on the days I worked with Kip, which essentially amounts to bribery.  Do the Flames give you anything special on the nights they play Toskala?

Friday, March 19, 2010

Cock block

Dear Kirusoff,

Unrelated to Hockey (I know it's not capitalized but it should be), I was thinking about why Swedes and Finns harbor so much animosity towards the Norwegians and then it hit me:  Norway cock blocks Sweden and Finland's access to the "Norwegian" Sea.  So not cool.

Hit em in the head.

Dear Kiprusoff,

Did you see how Iginla dealt with that nasty shark.  Yep, hit them in the head and aim for the eyes.  I didn't realize the teddy could turn into a grizzly so fast.  I'm going to have to rent "Grizzly man" to see if Iginla was the one who ate that dude and his girlfriend.


Dear Kiprusoff-

I've never been a fan of sharks or of San Jose, so the combination of the two makes me taste tummy bile in my mouth.  Very unpleasant, to say the least.  They say when attacked by a shark that you should hit them in the head and gouge their eyes.  I think this would work well on San Jose Hockey players too.  Again, I am not advocating violence, just suggesting basic survival skills.

Your a very nice person

Dear Kiprusoff,

In mixed company it can be sometimes awkward when two or more people begin speaking in a language that others don't understand.  Imagine how off-putting it would be when a member of the opposing team rushes the net to rudely trounce you and you whisper in his ear, in Finnish, "how lovely his eyes are and how much you look forward to taking his mother out for a nice steak dinner."

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Mad Men

Dear Kiprusoff,

At the Olympics I noticed your countrymen gave you snuggles after the game just like the Flames do.  I think the guys from the Flames give way better snuggles than your Olympic teammates, though.  Scandinavian people are often characterized as being aloof and conservative with their emotions (I learned this from Mad Men).  Just something to think about.


Dear Kiprusoff,

Will the people of Finland, yourself included, take part in a public shaming of the Finnish lineman that pocketed the gold medal puck.  As a Swede I would expect that kind of behavior from a Norwegian, but not a Finn.  Well, maybe Olli Jokinen, but only when he was sporting the mustache.  Which is strange, because he actually looks like he could be my illegitimate half-brother.  My dad swears that he has never been to Finland,  but I'm thinking Olli and I might be, in the very least, distantly related.

     Olli: pictured on the left;  Our father (in the 80's)?: pictured on right.


Dear Kiprusoff-

When your namesake, Kipper, gets nervous he sometimes gets fecal incontinence.  For whatever reason it makes him feel better and after relieving himself upwards of six times he generally is more relaxed and performs better.  Now I'm not making any suggestions, I'm just saying if it works for a horse than maybe it will work for a man too.


Dear Kiprusoff,

when I submit a paper I like to covertly mention my horse in the acknowledgments section.  I usually say something along the lines of "and special thank to D.B.R. for his contributions in the field."  I wrote most of my dissertation on the couch with a Flames game blaring in the background, so today I submitted a manuscript with the intentions of thanking D.B.R. and  M. Kiprusoff for their help with my research.  Unfortunately, a certain person sitting across the room from me suggested I shorten it to M.K. My esteemed collegue said something about it being more professional, but I think it's because you guys share the same initials.  For whatever reason the scientific community doesn't like it when we thank our pets or favorite sports figures, so in the off chance you begin reading scientific literature related to avian immunology, just know that M.K. is for you.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Stone cold

Dear Kiprusoff,

I often get told by complete strangers that I should smile more.  Personally, I get more satisfaction out of giving people a stone cold gaze.   

Spoiled ponies

Dear Kiprusoff,

My horse likes it when I braid his mane and feed him cookies.  If you were my pony I would braid your hair and feed you cookies too.  I wouldn't worry too much about me ever trying to do this to you in real life though.  That would be awkward for both of us.

The force is strong in this one

Dear Kiprusoff,

Sometimes when you take your helmet off I think you look just like Mark Hamill
from Star Wars.  A young Hamill of Luke Skywalker fame, not the voice actor he later became.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Diptera angst

Dear Kiprusoff,

I don't usually condone animal abuse but if the red wings were flies I would systematically pull each and every one of their wings off.  Then I would spray them with fly spray just for good measure.

Shiny Happy People Smiling...

Dear Kiprusoff,

Sometimes when I am having a bad day I will see someone smiling and it makes me feel better.  I think when you are having a bad game you should make Jarome Arthur-Leigh Adekunle Tig Junior Elvis Iginla smile for you.

Love is a battlefield

Dear Kiprusoff,

When Sean Avery called Dion Phaneuf's girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert, "sloppy seconds," I imagine you taking the high road and quoting, in Finnish, André the Giant's famous words "it's not very sportsman-like."

Ponies and Rainbows

Dear Kiprusoff,

I recently decided to name my horse Kipper, in your honor. It's not that he's fast on his feet or that he has super fast equine reflexes, it's that he likes a nice snuggle after a workout in the arena too, just like you.

Eskimo kisses

Dear Kiprusoff,

I once asked my Dad if he had a favorite child and he said that he loved all of us equally. I'm pretty sure he likes me best, though. Although I know it's hurtful and wrong to play favorites, if the members on the Calgary Flames were my kids I would totally single you out as my favorite. I guess that would make me a bad parent.