Cock block

Dear Kirusoff,

Unrelated to Hockey (I know it's not capitalized but it should be), I was thinking about why Swedes and Finns harbor so much animosity towards the Norwegians and then it hit me:  Norway cock blocks Sweden and Finland's access to the "Norwegian" Sea.  So not cool.

Hit em in the head.

Dear Kiprusoff,

Did you see how Iginla dealt with that nasty shark.  Yep, hit them in the head and aim for the eyes.  I didn't realize the teddy could turn into a grizzly so fast.  I'm going to have to rent "Grizzly man" to see if Iginla was the one who ate that dude and his girlfriend.

Sharks

Dear Kiprusoff-

I've never been a fan of sharks or of San Jose, so the combination of the two makes me taste tummy bile in my mouth.  Very unpleasant, to say the least.  They say when attacked by a shark that you should hit them in the head and gouge their eyes.  I think this would work well on San Jose Hockey players too.  Again, I am not advocating violence, just suggesting basic survival skills.

Your mama...is a very nice person

Dear Kiprusoff,


In mixed company it can be sometimes awkward when two or more people begin speaking in a language that others don't understand.  Imagine how off-putting it would be when a member of the opposing team rushes the net to rudely trounce you and you whisper in his ear, in Finnish, "how lovely his eyes are and how much you look forward to taking his mother out for a nice steak dinner."

Mad Men

Dear Kiprusoff,

At the Olympics I noticed your countrymen gave you snuggles after the game just like the Flames do.  I think the guys from the Flames give way better snuggles than your Olympic teammates, though.  Scandinavian people are often characterized as being aloof and conservative with their emotions (I learned this from Mad Men).  Just something to think about.

Thief

Dear Kiprusoff,

Will the people of Finland, yourself included, take part in a public shaming of the Finnish lineman that pocketed the gold medal puck.  As a Swede I would expect that kind of behavior from a Norwegian, but not a Finn.  Well, maybe Olli Jokinen, but only when he was sporting the mustache.  Which is strange, because he actually looks like he could be my illegitimate half-brother.  My dad swears that he has never been to Finland,  but I'm thinking Olli and I might be, in the very least, distantly related.

     Olli: pictured on the left;  Our father (in the 80's)?: pictured on right.

incontinence

Dear Kiprusoff-

When your namesake, Kipper, gets nervous he sometimes gets fecal incontinence.  For whatever reason it makes him feel better and after relieving himself upwards of six times he generally is more relaxed and performs better.  Now I'm not making any suggestions, I'm just saying if it works for a horse than maybe it will work for a man too.

Acknowledgments

Dear Kiprusoff,

when I submit a paper I like to covertly mention my horse in the acknowledgments section.  I usually say something along the lines of "and special thank to D.B.R. for his contributions in the field."  I wrote most of my dissertation on the couch with a Flames game blaring in the background, so today I submitted a manuscript with the intentions of thanking D.B.R. and  M. Kiprusoff for their help with my research.  Unfortunately, a certain person sitting across the room from me suggested I shorten it to M.K. My esteemed collegue said something about it being more professional, but I think it's because you guys share the same initials.  For whatever reason the scientific community doesn't like it when we thank our pets or favorite sports figures, so in the off chance you begin reading scientific literature related to avian immunology, just know that M.K. is for you.

Stone cold

Dear Kiprusoff,

I often get told by complete strangers that I should smile more.  Personally, I get more satisfaction out of giving people a stone cold gaze.   

Spoiled ponies

Dear Kiprusoff,

My horse likes it when I braid his mane and feed him cookies.  If you were my pony I would braid your hair and feed you cookies too.  I wouldn't worry too much about me ever trying to do this to you in real life though.  That would be awkward for both of us.

The force is strong in this one

Dear Kiprusoff,

Sometimes when you take your helmet off I think you look just like Mark Hamill
from Star Wars.  A young Hamill of Luke Skywalker fame, not the voice actor he later became.

Diptera angst

Dear Kiprusoff,

I don't usually condone animal abuse but if the red wings were flies I would systematically pull each and every one of their wings off.  Then I would spray them with fly spray just for good measure.

Shiny Happy People Smiling...

Dear Kiprusoff,

Sometimes when I am having a bad day I will see someone smiling and it makes me feel better.  I think when you are having a bad game you should make Jarome Arthur-Leigh Adekunle Tig Junior Elvis Iginla smile for you.

Love is a battlefield

Dear Kiprusoff,

When Sean Avery called Dion Phaneuf's girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert, "sloppy seconds," I imagine you taking the high road and quoting, in Finnish, André the Giant's famous words "it's not very sportsman-like."

Ponies and Rainbows

Dear Kiprusoff,

I recently decided to name my horse Kipper, in your honor. It's not that he's fast on his feet or that he has super fast equine reflexes, it's that he likes a nice snuggle after a workout in the arena too, just like you.

Eskimo kisses

Dear Kiprusoff,

I once asked my Dad if he had a favorite child and he said that he loved all of us equally. I'm pretty sure he likes me best, though. Although I know it's hurtful and wrong to play favorites, if the members on the Calgary Flames were my kids I would totally single you out as my favorite. I guess that would make me a bad parent.